Mothering in 2018!

I feel the need to rant about the massiveness of being Today’s Mother. I feel we’re at breaking point, getting pressure from every direction and we’re not helping ourselves either! I was brought up in generation ‘no’ and I am trying to parent in a ‘yes’ and failing miserably.

Against a backdrop of life whizzing by at a 100 mph, ‘Today’s Mother’ is supposed to be the perfect all singing all dancing Mama. She can hold down a job she enjoys, making sufficient money to pay the exorbitant childcare costs and still has time to do ‘Kraft’ with her little angels. She runs her spotless, tidy, household like a ‘Stepford’ wife. She cooks like Nigella Lawson and bakes like Mary Berry but rarely eats anything that isn’t raw, vegan and sugar-free. Her children are so well-behaved, well dressed and polite; especially in publics places. She always looks immaculate; waxed, pumped and polished to perfection. She finds time to maintain her physical fitness whilst pursing her oh so interesting hobbies to keep her conversation current, interesting and not all about her children. This is the ‘prototype’ aspired to by certain elements of the media, promoted by women with no children for women with children. No wonder over 50% of us take antidepressants!

It looks like we have all these choices to be or do anything we want but in reality the moment you open your legs to procreate the prison walls start building.

Judgement starts from inception and continues until…well forever; from whether you breast feed to should you buy your kid their first car! Conflicting information fires in from all directions, impossible to gauge the real truth because it changes constantly; Can you drink alcohol? (I did a little between puking sessions — my taste for Guinness and Stout gave me outstanding iron levels); Do you eat for 2? (I certainly did, and 3 and 4), What should you eat? (pasteurized or not); How much weight should you gain? (over half my body weight again?!); Is it ok to fly on an aeroplane? (I did in early pregnancy with 2 of my pregnancies and miscarried both times — I have views on flying I shall address another time).

Then there is the material hedonism, if you don’t go on a completely unaffordable unnecessary spending spree you’re not properly prepared! What pram is the best to be seen with — forget functionality and useful facts like it actually fits in your car or house and can be put up or down in the rain in under a minute! They’re giving out boxes for babies to sleep in Finland for God Sake not the handmade baby sleigh cot bed I felt mine had to sleep in!

‘Pregnancy World’ is actually quite dis-empowering, you’re no longer entitled to trust your own instincts and make your own decisions. Health and material manipulations’ start as soon as the test shows that extra blue line. The money pumped into ‘Pregnancy World’ is quite outrageous, I just wish it was directed into more informed and available healthcare services combining the best of both East and West.

Once you’ve birthed and your life has turned upside down in ways you didn’t even consider, you’re immediately under more pressure to reach a series of often unattainable social media or ‘parent group’ inflicted goals. How quickly can you get your baby to sleep through the night, how quickly can you get back into shape, how many food types does your baby consume?…….Your World shrinks to fit the demands of your progeny and the dedication required to achieve these socially imposed targets. In plenty of other cultures, where ‘Pregnancy World’ hasn’t been allowed to dominate, the new mother is allowed a month in bed with the baby whilst being looked after by relatives in order to properly recover and adjust. Lucky bastards!!! I wonder how many new mothers avoided post natty blues through this caring and understanding.

I hold my hands up to conforming to a lot of the pressures of ‘Pregnancy World’ instead of relaxing, being at peace and trusting my instincts as a Mother. I had to go back to work part-time when my daughter was 3 months old. In truth I’d never completely stopped, consciously choosing to believe that I was needed more by my clients than my 3 month old daughter and unconsciously trying to seriously maintain a bit of ‘me’. To make this happen I followed a Gina Ford’esque, the ‘Anti-Christ’ to some and the ‘Saviour’ to others, routine to normalise this massive life changing event as quickly as possible! What a TWAT in hindsight….I didn’t stop to enjoy any of it first time round, it felt like a constant fight for survival. P.s. I hate the 20/20 vision of hind sight — whomever invented it should be shot. I managed to be slightly less neurotic and more relaxed the second time around. Plus I had to give up my work because I couldn’t manage that and the kids.

I find being a Mother the hardest job in the World, at times so painful I hate it and wish I could run off into the hills screaming!

The unbearable pressure I put Myself under to get it ‘right’ has me tied to a rack of unceasing guilt in an unpredictable World with little control — mine or theirs. In my darkest and most cynical moments, a self-inflicted tortuous prison decked out with wall to wall mirrors to reflect back to me all my flaws and mistakes. The heavy weight of responsibility crushing my soul to death — ha have I put you off having kids yet?

So Mummy Dearest, thank you for making sure I did survive to Motherhood so I could truly appreciate the hell that is it and be grateful you didn’t murder me despite it.

I know logically the perfect mother does not exist and is an unattainable goal, I seem to be programmed to keep trying though! The jury’s still out on whether I’m better or worse than you were; at this point in time you’re winning, mine have yet to reach adulthood……