It’s been a busy couple of weeks work wise, which has been lovely but of course means I’m paying a heavy physical price. Standing up at my stall, albeit I tend to sit on a shooting stick so I look like I’m standing up but shorter than the midget size I actually am, still creates much lower back pain for me. I’m not sure what the solution is, perhaps to be seated in a comfortable arm chair with a large banner over my head stating I’m not too commercially inept to stand up and greet, just invisibly disabled! Actually, maybe I will do this….now where to find a collapsible arm chair?
To add insult to injury, as is my body’s want! I’m currently in the midst of a gastric crisis, which leaves me exhausted and feeling rough as fuck internally from the pain. So, this has been a week’s stay in the house of pain for me! Not entirely sure what’s going on in this particular camp to be honest, I’ve been advised to give up dairy and histamines to help improve my Elhers Danos related Interstitial cystitis. To read more about this bitch and urinary incontinence in general, check this link out https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/pdf/2018-annual-conference/J-Blomquist-2018Baltimore-Urogynecology-in-EDS-S.pdf.
Giving up either of these things, let alone both, is more of a ball-ache than you can imagine, given the realities of my life style and already heavily restricted diet. I’m no cordon bleu Claire in the kitchen, more of a ‘oh fuck it supper time, what can I throw together that’s nutritional?’ So, I’ve sorted half pulled it off and the results have been diabolical! I can’t afford to throw everything away that I can’t eat, which is more than half my food cupboard, so I’m doing the best with what I’ve got. I’m not sure if it’s the knowledge of what I’m eating that’s damaging or just a massive detox going on, that’s causing all this pain. Knowledge is pain when you’re as sensitive as me, once you know better there really is no going back.
And, I didn’t expect to be only able to eat fluff from now until death, just makes me depressed, eating pleasure is all I had left! Actually, to be fair it’s not fluff, I am not allowed fluff it’s not fresh enough! My new diet needs to be totally fresh, not include some really easy flavour hacks like tomatoes, marmite, olives, dairy, fermented foods (errr alcohol — seriously fuck this one), reheated foods (I usually cook a big dish and live off it for a couple of days — real tears here), anything cured, canned, smoked, preserved, dried or pickled, shellfish (lobster is my absolute fave), legumes (lentils, beans, soy like friggin tofu — another love), sausages or bone matured meat. Oh, and I can’t drink caffeine anymore either, nice!
So, in short, not only can I not really eat out in public, I need to go out and forage my food for that exact meal, and cook it straight away to the exact portion size because there can be no reheating! I am teaching myself, in all the moments I don’t have spare, about wild foraging, as I like to eat what’s natural, local and in season. But my learning isn’t up to my requirement level in this space in time. I am therefore subsisting in a monotone, flavourless middle world, eating little but fluff and illegal Fry’s Peppermint Creams, which although ‘bad’ for me can’t be avoided to take the edges off my misery.
Which leads me nicely onto another sensual eater! This weekend it’s a year since Dad died, and wow what a year! I still get panicky when I remember I’m never going to see him in the flesh again. That then triggers fond memories of other special dead people and I just want to jump back into the past and see them all again. Not in spirit form but human form, so we can once again eat the cheese palmiers I can no longer touch and drink the champagne I can no longer bear?! FML!
Not sure what the writing on my wall is, perhaps I need to seek my pleasures in just the spiritual form and turn into a Sufi! Great, I am slowly becoming totally unfit for main stream society, oh well, Scotland here we come! Which is what I really want too still do. The more I read about the toxicity around me, the more I learn about the future, the more I feel the pull to return to the earth and a more natural existence. It’s persuading chemical Ali that it’s actually within our skill set! He’s scared I won’t be able to cope and will physically disintegrate, actually he is more likely to have a breakdown from the stress.
And now folks, we descend into Winter! I hope you’re all fluffing yourselves up, having early introspective nights, keeping and sleeping well and restoratively. Because I’m fucking not, just in case you hadn’t picked that up….. But, hopefully one day I will be…